You don’t need a friend group to be “social.” Or worthy
INNER CIRCUS: What is one thing you wish you knew before college?
Friend: You don’t need a friend group to be “social.” Or worthy.
INNER CIRCUS: Would you consider that realization a weight off your shoulders, or a heartbreaking disappointment?
Friend: A huge weight off my shoulders. It would’ve saved me a lot of time, and bad decisions, honestly.
INNER CIRCUS: What did that weight consist of?
Friend: Enormous amounts of social pressure.
INNER CIRCUS: What do you mean by that?
Friend: There is so much social capital awarded to friend groups in our culture, and an incredible amount of pressure to be part of them. Even if you don’t like the people within them.
There is so much social capital awarded to friend groups in our culture, and an incredible amount of pressure to be part of them.
INNER CIRCUS: When did you first realize there was a distinction between having friends and being part of a friend group?
Friend: Way back, in our pre-school days, friendships were born out of playdates. If you’re like me, maybe you can relate to having multiple play dates per week with what seemed like every possible person in your grade.
I used to love playdates because I got to know so many people in my class and actually formed close relationships with them on a personal level. I definitely wasn’t prepared for what social life would become as I got older. Before I knew it, social capital seemed to no longer be governed by who your individual friends were, or even how many of them you had, but whether or not you were part of a friend group. And then after that, all that mattered was how big that group was, versus the strength of connections within that group.
Before I knew it, social capital seemed to no longer be governed by who your individual friends were, or even how many of them you had, but whether or not you were part of a friend group.
INNER CIRCUS: What do you think contributed to that shift?
Friend: A lot of it is probably the media. Mean Girls is a perfect example of a movie showing that social capital is most commonly given to a collective group, and subsequently the individuals part of them. As with the “plastics” this always leads to social hierarchies and cliques.
INNER CIRCUS: What was the first memory you have being part of a friend group?
Friend: Probably like 5th grade. I was in the same friend group from 5th grade to freshman year of high school.
INNER CIRCUS: What was your experience in that friend group like?
Friend: It was good at the beginning. We were all so young, growing up together. People change though, and group dynamics change too. In freshman year, I was completely ousted from the friend group all of a sudden.
INNER CIRCUS: I had a really similar situation happen to me, so I’m glad you’re opening up about this. I feel like nobody talks about these kinds of things.
Friend: Nobody.
INNER CIRCUS: What happened?
Friend: I feel like every friend group has a ring leader who is in charge of the group, even if that control is unspoken. Unfortunately, that person was the individual who I didn’t like, and while everyone was kissing up, I didn’t want to put in that effort with someone who I didn’t value as a friend. Unfortunately, that meant being left out of group chats they created and plans they initiated. Before I knew it, I was completely on my own. It sucked.
I think that’s the biggest problem with friend groups sometimes. People think there is value in numbers, but what happens when you like some people but not others? There is this constant pressure to like everyone equally when that is just impossible sometimes. It feels constraining.
People think there is value in numbers, but what happens when you like some people but not others?
INNER CIRCUS: Did you remain friends with the other people in the group?
Friend: Everyone else pretended like nothing happened. I still got meals and coffee with them 1:1. I would ask them to include me in things, and while they would say yes to my face, they never did. I reached a point where I felt betrayed, and couldn’t find it in myself to maintain those relationships anymore.
INNER CIRCUS: Has your view of them, and the situation at large, changed as you’ve gotten older?
Friend: 100%.
INNER CIRCUS: Tell me about that.
Friend: I couldn’t understand their actions back then, but I do a lot more now. I understand the desire to be part of something so much bigger than yourself. And I get that they didn’t want to sacrifice their place in the group by advocating for me to be included. It sucked. I would never do that to someone. But I hope that maturity and age would prevent any of them from ever doing something like that again to anyone else.
And I get that they didn’t want to sacrifice their place in the group by advocating for me to be included.
INNER CIRCUS: I can’t imagine how hard that was. How did you navigate social scenes after that?
Friend: Those remaining three years of high school were the hardest of my life. I started relying on 1:1 interactions and I became closer with the people I wouldn't otherwise hang out with. But it didn’t seem to matter how many 1:1 lunches or coffees I went on. I felt ashamed and disappointed with myself for not fitting into a friend group. More than that, I felt like I didn’t have any friends just because I wasn't part of a big friend group.
More than that, I felt like I didn’t have any friends just because I wasn't part of a big friend group.
INNER CIRCUS: Did that experience inform the way you socialized in college?
Friend: For sure. I spent so much time socializing with large groups of people even when I knew they weren’t a good fit. I became super invested in this one group specifically where I only really liked 2 people out of 9. I felt this fear that I had to commit and live like that, or I would just be repeating high school all over again. And that was my biggest fear at the time.
INNER CIRCUS: And then what happened?
Friend: I realized I was I realized that by inserting myself in those situations, I was repeating history for myself. Relationships are mutual, most of the time, so I knew that sooner or later people wouldn’t find me to be a good fit either and I would be ousted yet again. So, I removed myself before they removed me.
INNER CIRCUS: Good for you for removing yourself from situations that didn’t serve you.
Friend: I’m glad you said that, because that was a big part of that decision. I’ve always had strong values and have never sacrificed them to fit in with others. Even though I lost friends because of that in high school, I’m proud that I’ve always stood my ground and stayed true to myself.
INNER CIRCUS: After leaving that friend group, did you jump between other groups or start investing more in 1:1 friendships?
Friend: The beauty of college is that because it’s so big, friend groups don’t matter the same way they did in high school. I mean, you never intimately know what friend groups exist and who is in them the same way you did in high school. Because of that, I felt more comfortable investing my time in 1:1 friendships. I joined as many clubs as I could so that I had people in all different parts of campus I could turn to. A lot of times, hanging out with individual people meant being introduced to their respective friend groups so it was like killing two birds with one stone.
INNER CIRCUS: Did it feel weird to be socializing with friend groups you did not identify as being intimately part of?
Friend: Weird, no, uncomfortable sometimes, yes. You’re not crazy for feeling like an outsider when people are making inside jokes in front of you that you don’t understand. At the same time, though, it’s kind of amazing. Spending time with my friend in friend groups temporarily satisfied my cravings for being in a friend group. Also, I started using those experiences to learn more about the qualities and characteristics I wanted in friends and friend groups.
You’re not crazy for feeling like an outsider when people are making inside jokes in front of you that you don’t understand.
INNER CIRCUS: And did you end up finding a friend group from that experience?
Friend: I did! But it was when I didn’t care if I was in one that I found a bunch of people I really enjoyed spending time with.
I also want to say that despite finding a friend group, I remained equally close to my 1:1 friends and leaned on them the same way I would with other groups of people.
INNER CIRCUS: This is SO important so we need to get into this. Did you feel like being in a friend group meant you had to spend all your time with them and nobody else?
Friend: Yes, at first. I was scared of being left out, so I started canceling those random coffee dates with my individual friends to make sure I could be home, doing nothing, with my friend group. Two things happened, though. I became really unhappy, and I realized that my friends didn’t care if I was seeing other people. I guess that’s the sign of healthy and stable friends, you know. Those who aren’t insecure about your other friendships.
So, I started viewing both equally. And I realized that they can both co-exist in a super happy and healthy way. One type of friendship isn’t better than the other, they’re just different. And for the first time, I felt equally “social” whether I was meeting one person alone, or my friend group.
INNER CIRCUS: Love that! Can you elaborate on the idea of feeling more or less social depending on who you’re with?
Friend: It’s taken years to get to this place, but I know now that you can still call yourself “social” and feel like you have a lot of friends even if a lot of them are 1:1 friendships rather than a big friend group. Now that I graduated, I do end up spending more time with people 1:1 because my friend group has moved to different places and I crave those deeper connections. I used to think that going to dinner with 1 person on Friday and another person Saturday meant I wasn’t being social, but that’s completely in my head.
INNER CIRCUS: Are you happy now?
Friend: I am. I think I’m in a much better place mentally and that makes me the most happy. A lot of my stress was coming from past trauma, which I'm still working on. But a lot of it was comparison and feeling like I didn't have as many friends just because I saw people always hanging out with so many at once. Squashing that inner voice has been a process, but it’s been really important to me. I finally feel like I’m entering that inner peace I’ve been missing for so long. It’s so nice!
