Personifying your inner critic and situational friendships with Sam Abrahart of The Mayfair Group

Another week means more podcasts and a new favorite episode to recommend: Facing Your Inner Critic & Making a Lasting Impact, with Sam Abrahart, Founder & CEO of The Mayfair Group.

That was a mouthful, but it’s a fairly recent episode on Payton Sartain’s Note to Self podcast. A Dear Media production, of course. 

Their name may seem unfamiliar, but there’s a high chance you’re familiar with The Mayfair Group. Their line of merchandise has been worn by countless celebrities and influencers, and their “Empathy” sweatshirt went viral during the pandemic:

Image credit: Jennifer Lopez

In this episode, founder Sam Abrahart opened up about her own experiences with mental health which is what led her to found this company. The Mayfair Group started as a digital community where people could talk about mental health. In fact, they only started the merchandise you know and love three years in which was heavily requested by their community. 

In telling her story, Sam unpacked the importance of facing her inner critic and spoke to her journey of learning to navigate her emotions to better control her behaviors. Here are the top takeaways from this episode including tangible skills and knowledge that can help you navigate your own mental health journey:

Challenge your current definition of success 

Society defines and measures success in a very one-dimensional, quantifiable way. How much money do you make? How many followers do you have? How many hours a week do you work? Working to achieve these goals requires non-stop productivity which can oftentimes lead to burnout, and sometimes, a sense of personal failure.

Sam spoke about her own experience with this toxic cycle and redefined the way we should be thinking about success. “Learn that your identity isn’t about your career, your money, or your job, and view the things you love doing as your key mechanisms for success,” she said. For Sam, play and rest are two things she has learned to help foster her sense of creativity, and are key ingredients to achieving a successful life, whatever that means to her.

“Learn that your identity isn’t about your career, your money, or your job, and view the things you love doing as your key mechanisms for success.”

Celebrate being present the same way society praises productivity

Whether you’re in school or working a job of any kind, it’s clear that you are often rewarded for working hard. Take your career for example. The more hours you put in, the more you will be recognized, the more likely you will be promoted, and the more money you may make. Ultimately, this causes a lot of people to shape their whole identity around their work and prevents them from prioritizing the rest they need and deserve.

In an effort to protect her mental well-being, Sam has communicated to her inner circle that she would like to be congratulated for being present. She explained, “Presence is big for me. I want people in my life to acknowledge me when I’m being present. Everyone only congratulating me when I’m successful in my career plays into a toxic narrative that I’m wanting to work away from.” Communicating your needs with your loved ones is key to protecting your mental wellness. 

“Everyone only congratulating me when I’m successful in my career plays into a toxic narrative that I’m wanting to work away from.”

Recognize which friends are situational versus true friends

As you transition into different phases of your life, it’s normal for your inner circle to evolve as a result. Take post-graduation for instance. When you move to a new city, those acquaintances you got coffee with twice a week may not be in your life in the same capacity as they were during college. If you struggle with anxiety, these changes can be difficult and cause you to question the relationships and yourself as a friend. That being said, these shifts are completely normal.  

In this episode, Sam called these types of friendships “situational friendships.” She said, “You have people who are in your life because of a situation you are in. They are “friends'' because of that situation but in your mind, you feel like they are genuine friends. But all of a sudden the relationship is gone because the job is gone and those people aren’t checking in on you anymore and it's really really hard, a lot of us take it personally.” Knowing the difference between real friends and situational friends is key to protecting yourself from any kind of platonic heartbreak. 

Knowing the difference between real friends and situational friends is key to protecting yourself from any kind of platonic heartbreak.

Meditation can help you observe your emotions from the outside, as a third party

Everyone talks about meditation these days, yet the benefits of the practice can remain unclear to some. Most of us understand that meditation can help you feel calm, be more present, and in many cases, result in a decrease in anxiety. But what does that really mean? And how does it work?

Sam explained the benefits of meditation in a very simple yet impactful way. “Meditation has given me the ability to step outside my own mind and see emotions without having to worship them. I used to be consumed by emotion, and meditation has given me the ability to step outside of that. It’s something that’s really changed my life and that I always do and if I don’t do it, I can sense myself being anxious or reacting more and it changes in behavior so much,” she explained.

The thought of closing your eyes and concentrating on your breath may seem incredibly daunting and you’re not alone. That being said, starting small, whether it’s one or five minutes, can be key to building this habit and learning to embrace the practice in a long-lasting way.

“Meditation has given me the ability to step outside my own mind and see emotions without having to worship them.”

Understand and personify your inner critic 

For some of us, the most debilitating part of anxiety is that inner voice in our heads that always seems to be negative, and never shuts up. More often than not, it spirals out of control in a matter of seconds and before you know it, it can consume your thoughts, emotions, and control your behavior. 

But where does this voice come from? And is there any way to make it quieter? Turns out, there is. Here’s Sam’s full answer because truthfully, she explained it better than we can:

“I took a test called Positive Intelligence, the Saboteur’s Test, which you can take online. It identifies the judges in your mind, there are 7 of them. My whole thing right now is observing my own mind…and becoming a watcher of my mind. That voice in our head is often conditioning, past trauma, ego, anything, and it clings to things that we are hurt by or things that have troubled us in the past. Depression lives in that all the time, and we become imprisoned by these narratives in our own heads.

“My whole thing right now is observing my own mind and understanding the ability to step outside of being governed by my mind and becoming a watcher of my mind.”

The Saboteur’s test identifies your biggest judges so the things that are creating that false narrative. For me, if I can personify these judges and identify them, now when I experience either an emotion or thought that drives back to one of those judges, I’ll be like “Oh, that’s my hyper achiever.” I am able to know what that voice is, but choose to go down the other path. 

“I am able to know what that voice is, but choose to go down the other path.”

If someone says something and you feel jealous, you may get a physical sensation and may feel like being disruptive. But, you can stop and say, “That’s envy. Jealousy, I see you and I know you’re there.” As soon as you can identify it, you can change your behavior pattern. For me, with limiting beliefs and fear, I use this test and judges to identify what is causing the fear and not go down the road of reacting to that fear.”

“But, you can stop and say, “That’s envy. Jealousy, I see you and I know you’re there.””

Honestly, the Saboteur’s test gives the same energy as those movies where nothing happens until the last 5 minutes and the ending blows your mind. We haven’t been able to figure out our inner voice for our entire lives, but we’re going to take the test right now and can’t wait to finally get some answers that will make everything make sense.

The Saboteur’s test gives the same energy as those movies where nothing happens until the last 5 minutes and the ending blows your mind. 

Let us know what you thought of the episode @innercircusmag. Until next time!