People won’t always act or react the same way as you. Don't expect them to.
When I started doing long-distance with my boyfriend in college, everyone told me it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible. In the beginning, I was sure they were referring to the gut-wrenching goodbyes and sad post-FaceTime cries. But I soon realized that long distance would force me to confront my own identity and insecurities head-on, and very quickly. Who was I without the safety net of my partner? Where did my jealous tendencies stem from? Why would I find myself comparing my college experience to his?
Thankfully, I had an extremely strong support system that helped me navigate all the ups, and downs, in my relationship. Some of these friends were also in long-distance relationships of their own and shared similar experiences of discovering themselves independently of their partner. Here’s an excerpt of a conversation I had with one of these people who spoke to the difficulties of dating an extrovert as an introvert, something I can definitely relate to:
INNER CIRCUS: What is one thing you wish you knew before your long-distance relationship?
Friend: People won’t always act or react the same way as you. Don't expect them to.
INNER CIRCUS: Would you consider that realization a weight off your shoulders or a heartbreaking disappointment?
Friend: Oh, definitely the first. It felt like a magical epiphany that solved all my problems. I owe it all to my therapist. Maybe sharing this will help someone else.
INNER CIRCUS: When you say “people,” what kinds of people in your life are you referring to?
Friend: I guess this can relate to my friendships if I really think about it, but I was referring to my boyfriend.
INNER CIRCUS: Can you tell me a little bit about your relationship?
Friend: Sure, okay. Let me give you the sparknotes because I tend to blabber. We met at college, two incredibly different people. I’m introverted, he’s extroverted. I have a smaller, intimate friend group, while he has an incredibly large network of friends. We’re going to try the long-distance thing, I in New York, he in San Francisco. I know, it’s far. But you know what they say: this relationship is either going to be my deepest love, or my biggest heartbreak. I’d rather it be the first, so I’m willing to give it a fight. We both are.
“But you know what they say: this relationship is either going to be my deepest love, or my biggest heartbreak.”
INNER CIRCUS: Love is always worth fighting for. You mentioned that you two are very different people. At the beginning of your relationship, the really getting to know you phase, where did you see the main differences?
Friend: I think communication styles were very different. That’s the most obvious thing I can think of. They continue to be, but I think we know each other a lot better than we did four years ago so that’s helpful.
INNER CIRCUS: Can you elaborate on the difference in communication styles? Are you talking about the amount you communicate, the way you approach conversations, or something else?
Friend: It’s a combination of things. At the beginning of our relationship, it was more about the amount we communicated. Well, kind of. We both like getting little updates throughout the day and having set time at the end of the day to catch up. But there were little times when it was clear we were communicating an unequal amount. The most obvious difference was times when we were going out, or being social with other people. He’s much more of a “be in the present '' person, while I’m more likely to text him frequently. As an overthinker, that would be hard sometimes. Not hearing from him for a while, that is.
Most recently, communication styles have differed after a fight. And that has been the most important thing for us to navigate, especially as a couple entering long distance soon.
“He’s much more of a “be in the present '' person, while I’m more likely to text him frequently.”
INNER CIRCUS: Can you walk me through one of those times?
Friend: It wasn’t even a time where something extraordinary happened. I think we were fighting about something stupid, that I didn’t like the way he was responding to something I said. The exact conversation isn’t really relevant, just the aftermath. We both left each other feeling frustrated and irritated, knowing that some time and space would be beneficial. I remember falling asleep feeling a pit in my stomach, and woke up knowing the conversation was far from over. I expected waking up to him feeling the same sense of urgency, wanting to have a conversation and clear the air. Instead, he acted like everything was totally normal, updating me about his day, hanging out with his friends.
His ability to move on as if nothing had happened was irritating. I felt like he didn’t care about us and my response turned into sending him one-to-three word replies to his texts. When we finally got the chance to talk, I got angry and accused him of not caring about this relationship. He was taken aback, saying that just because he was busy, doesn’t mean he wasn’t thinking about us. He added that for him, the constant updates help him get back to normal at a time when we’re not. I never thought of it like that.
“His ability to move on as if nothing had happened was irritating.”
INNER CIRCUS: How did his response make you feel?
Friend: Honestly, frustrated. I didn’t understand it. After we fight, it is really hard for me to think about anything else. I usually end up staying in my room because my mind is too preoccupied to think about anything else. It does irk me sometimes, as it did in that moment, to be sitting alone thinking about our relationship when it looks like my partner is out and about seemingly having a lovely time. After all, if this fight is affecting us both, then why am I the only one upset. I guess it was an adjustment to accept that just because he’s not sulking around, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about us the same way I do.
“I guess it was an adjustment to accept that just because he’s not sulking around, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about us the same way I do.”
INNER CIRCUS: What did that process look like coming to terms with his reaction style? What helped you accept that?
Friend: I remember ranting to my therapist about this situation and her asking me the following question: are you scared he’s not prioritizing you, or is he just not processing the situation in the same way as you? I had to stop and think about what she said because I think I was conflating the two.
Process and prioritization are two very different things. If someone is processing a situation differently than you, that is okay. What’s not okay is if they slowly stop prioritizing you in the relationship when that happens. For example, in the aftermath of our fight, my partner chose to move on and act as normal rather than dwelling on the argument like I was. He wasn’t abandoning me to be with his friends, rather the opposite. Him texting me all day asking for updates represented the extent he was willing to prioritize me. I just had to learn that his style of communication, and way of processing situations, was different from my own.
“...are you scared he’s not prioritizing you, or is he just not processing the situation in the same way as you?”
INNER CIRCUS: I love that. It’s one thing to blindly accept their way of processing situations, and another to feel unsatisfied with their approach. Have you ever vocalized when you prefer a different approach?
Friend: Respect in these situations is so important. When processing styles conflict, it’s really easy for your immediate reaction to be, “Well the way you process things is crap,” and just impose your own way of thinking on them. I feel like in any situation, it’s human nature to want someone to react the exact same way as you. Unfortunately, that’s impossible. In these situations, I really try to ask myself: is their processing method actually negative to me in any way, or am I just frustrated they are not responding in the exact way I would (or would want them to for that matter)? If it is actually hurting my feelings, then I’ll make sure we both sit down and have a candid conversation and openly communicate as we would in any other scenario. It’s never about placing blame on someone else, just about compromise and learning to navigate different reactions to different situations.
INNER CIRCUS: Has there ever been a time when you accepted differences in processing, but you also did not feel prioritized in the relationship?
Friend: Hmmm, let me think about this. I remember having a conversation with a close friend a couple months ago. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a confrontation, but we were both feeling irritated with one another about something that went down. After giving our individual point of views, we apologized, hugged, and assured we would move on. But that’s not what happened. Instead of trying to go back to normal, she didn’t speak to me for an entire month.
I guess after our conversation she needed additional time to process, but she never vocalized that to me so I felt completely blindsided. On one hand, I respect what she needed to do, which was to take space. On the other hand, I feel like as a close friend, she owed it to me to be open and honest with what she needed, even if that was different than what we had originally discussed.
INNER CIRCUS: What did you do in that situation?
Friend: I think if you care enough about the person to still want to be friends with them despite their behavior, you have to be the bigger person and let their needs trump your own. Otherwise, you will feel resentful, irritated, and those feelings will prevent you from ever being true friends again.
I never wanted to stand in the way of her so I let it go and leaned on other friends for support in times when I would usually go to her. It was definitely lonely and isolating sometimes, but it was needed to heal both of our relationships. It’s a give and take. Sometimes you’ll give 10%, sometimes 90%. As long as there is a healthy balance, and you’re not giving 90% an overwhelming majority of the time, I think you're good.
