You have to stop letting other people's energy affect you
INNER CIRCUS: What is one thing you wish you knew before your 20s?
Friend: You have to stop letting other people’s energy affect you.
INNER CIRCUS: Would you consider that realization a weight off your shoulders, or a heartbreaking disappointment?
Friend: A weight off my shoulders, definitely.
INNER CIRCUS: It can be really really hard to realize that someone's energy is affecting you negatively. Would you agree?
Friend: 100%. It’s also one of those things where you can easily mistake getting sucked in for being close to someone.
INNER CIRCUS: What do you mean by that?
Friend: I used to let other people’s emotions affect me so much until I subconsciously started basing my emotions on theirs. When they were happy, I wanted nothing more than to be around them. But when they were sad, angry, jealous, upset, irritated, or anything else, it completely consumed me, even if the cause of their emotions had nothing to do with me.
I used to think it was just me being empathetic, or that being a good friend meant sharing those emotions with them in real time. But I slowly realized I was losing myself and felt like I lost control over who I was.
INNER CIRCUS: Can you give an example of one of these situations? Was it with a friend, or did you moreso experience this with family members or a partner?
Friend: I guess in different ways I’ve experienced this with all of the above. But there was one time where I felt like I was in so deep and couldn’t recognize who I was and it was with a friend.
INNER CIRCUS: A close friend?
Friend: Yes, one of my best friends. And that’s what made it so much harder.
INNER CIRCUS: Can you tell us a little more about that relationship?
Friend: We met freshman year of college, instantly best friends. The more time you spend with someone, the more you learn about them. It became clear quickly that she was going through her journey of mental health in her own way. I really tried being there for her, and I definitely was.
Her bad days quickly turned into bad weeks and months and I realized I was starting to reflect on the person she was becoming. I found myself spending more time in my room, laughing and smiling less too.
INNER CIRCUS: Where do you think that came from? The mirroring of her emotions?
Friend: Maybe guilt. A little bit of it was guilt, I guess. I felt wrong about having a good day when she had a bad day. But it slowly turned into resentment.
INNER CIRCUS: What do you mean?
Friend: It’s normal to go through things. We all do. But it’s hard when people put that burden on you. When you feel like they are taking out their bad days and frustrations on you.
INNER CIRCUS: How did she do that to you?
Friend: Not explicitly, I guess. She never said, “I’m having a bad day, so you should too.”
It wasn’t vocal like that. It was more so in her actions. She’d shut herself off from the world and I’d sit there for hours wondering if there was something I could do if she was okay. But when I tried to help, she wouldn’t let me in either. And she wouldn’t communicate with me so I just felt lost.
INNER CIRCUS: And then you felt sad?
Friend: And then I felt sad. And honestly kind of lonely.
INNER CIRCUS: When did you realize you were losing yourself? Was it immediate, or gradual?
Friend: Definitely gradual. You can’t see it until you take a step back, or someone shakes you up and forces you to look in the mirror. Luckily, I’m pretty self-aware and started noticing I was being unhappy. I felt a toxic energy in the house we shared. I felt like a bad friend. It took a lot of time but I realized the common denominator was the friendship really bringing me down.
INNER CIRCUS: Did you ever talk to her about it when you sensed it happening?
Friend: I never put it on her. Could she have been a more communicative friend, yes. And I told her that. But I never blamed her for my feelings because those were mine and she’s not responsible for my feelings and my overthinking.
INNER CIRCUS: What was her response?
Friend: She said she’d try to be more vocal about herself and if there was anything I could do, but she never really did. And when someone tells you they’ll do something and don’t follow through, that’s where the frustration comes in.
INNER CIRCUS: So did you break off the friendship?
Friend: No. My mom would always tell me it’s so easy to break off a friendship, but so much harder to keep one. I had that ringing in my head and realized I care about her and value our friendship more than the negative way I was feeling at that moment. I made the active choice to put in the work to stop letting her emotional state control my own because I knew that was the only way we’d be able to be friends.
INNER CIRCUS: How did you do that?
Friend: I think for whatever reason, probably some part of my childhood, I like to feel control over things. I like to fix things, whether that’s an argument other people are having, or someone feeling sad like my friend. I realized that I let her emotions consume me because I put that burden on myself to fix her. So, every time I failed and she remained the same, I took that on myself and felt sad even though it was never my job.
So, I started personifying that part of myself that wanted to fix her and comfort that person. I’d acknowledge it, take a breath, and then distract myself. I’d watch TV, go on a walk, and distance myself not out of resentment, but just an attempt to be healthy for myself and protect my peace.
INNER CIRCUS: How did that change the dynamic of your relationship?
Friend: That’s a good question. There were times when we were less close because I felt like I needed that distance to stop myself from becoming consumed. But I also think I started expecting less from her, not in a bad way, but just in a way that prevented me from getting hurt. When I changed my mindset, I started putting more weight on the good things she did because I was appreciative of them, not taking them for granted.
INNER CIRCUS: Have you ever felt this sensation come up outside of friendships?
Friend: Sometimes with my parents. They can get into these bickering fights sometimes and I find myself wanting to control the conversations so I butt in.
INNER CIRCUS: How so?
Friend: I’ll say something random to distract them or steer the conversation. But trying to involve myself and control their reactions means that I let their emotions consume me. So when my involvement doesn't help the situation, I feel incredibly sad and let their reactions completely consume me.
INNER CIRCUS: What would you say to other people who struggle with this?
Friend: My therapist shared this analogy with me of trains. All you should ever worry about is the track that you are on. You have to trust that the other trains around you know their route and that they will get back on track on their own. You have no control over the other trains, only your own. That’s not to say you shouldn't care about other people, but you shouldn’t control them. That’s the key difference.
